I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
