did you get engaged???
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
