mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
