some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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