I think I won the penis lottery.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
