ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have fence marks all over my body
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
