we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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