Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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