It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
