i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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