I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
