My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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