seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
