i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
