It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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