Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
