I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
