why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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