she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
