I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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