I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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