I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
