so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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