A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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