No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
