All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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