I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
