did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
