fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
