I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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