if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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