Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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