You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
