Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
