We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
