i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
