where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
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can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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