dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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