omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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