I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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