so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
pop tarts are not kleenex
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
