she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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