And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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