your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
