I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
