apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
