Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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