You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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