I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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