I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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