I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
foreskin is a definite game changer
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
