i permit you to call me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
