roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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