I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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