I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
